Reflecting on 2016

This past year (and a half) had been like a rollercoaster ride. I took a break to find the cause of my chronic pain and fatigue, I banned all sources of stress and just relaxed (something I didn't even know how to do), I had a mental breakdown, I felt exhausted and I lost all hope, to now, I have accepted what happened in the past and I am proud of the person I have become. This is a big accomplishment for someone who had no self-love and low self esteem. I realised that all my life, I had been working really hard to prove that I wasn't crazy, that I didn't lie, that I was "normal", that I wasn't worthless, that I was special, that I deserved to be loved (I found out that there is a thing called "unconditional love), that I was right (I told you so!), that I was smart, that I came out of the horrible past unharmed, that I wasn't a "bad" girl like everyone around me kept telling (aka brainwashing) me, that I am capable of achieving big things, etc. I was so focussed on that, that I lost track of what was really important, what I wanted, and what made me happy instead of others.

I made a promise to myself that I will be more selfish from now on, be less strict to myself, treat my body better (stay healthy & fit, get more good quality sleep, and pamper myself every once in a while), and care less about what others think (why on earth do girls so obsessively want to be liked by everyone, anyway?). I also figured out where my negativity and eternal anger came from. As a child, my world was really small and everyone in it seemed to hate me and treat me badly. And that is already the understatement of the year. How stupid it may seem, but since everyone was mean to me and nobody helped me, I vowed to not be kind to anyone either and to never trust anyone ever again. Although I failed many times as my kind and sensitive nature came out every once in a while (which was seen as being "fake" by my bullies) and I regularly got hurt as a result, I had never gotten bitter about it to the extent of no return.

It did change me in a way that I am always expecting the worse from someone, regularly trying to test them/see their real nature, and I was ready to get angry and defend myself, whenever I felt attacked and treathened. I never really noticed this about myself, until I saw some video clips of abused cats and dogs who got rescued. Even though they were safe now, they still acted like they would get harmed any second. By acting all angry and defensive, you also chase the good people away who want to help you. You would get angry again at people for not helping you and they would abandon you for your strange behavior. This is a negative cycle hard to get out from, but it is possible. I have seen the cats and dogs get better a little bit at a time under the loving care of the animal shelter workers. There are also many stories of people surviving the most horrible things ever. I want to tell you that I am one of those strong survivors too, but I can only say that it is still a work-in-progress.

I am not sure if the chronic pain and fatigue may be caused by the unresolved issues in my past or by something else. It could be that openly talking about it, accepting that it happened, finally facing the issues instead of pushing it away and pretending that nothing happened, and also not be ashamed by it, lifted a weight off my shoulders. It could have also been the Chinese medicinal soups and drinks that I have been drinking daily and weekly, which are really working. Or it could be a combination of both (mentally as wel as physically). But I am feeling a bit better. I hope I can post more regularly next year and create more interesting content.

I wish 2017 will be a wonderful and exciting year for us all!

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