RIP 藍潔瑛 (Yammie Lam)

On 3 November, Hong Kong TV star, Yammie Lam (藍潔瑛), passed away in her own apartment (killed, suicide, or accident?) and her remains were found a few days later. I cannot help but think that I could also end up like her some day. Due to being bullied and tortured to death continuously from a very young age (I don't even want to think about the wreckage it did to my brains and heart), I find it very difficult to trust someone. I feel the most comfortable all by myself. Unlike her, I have also never found solace in religion. I just took bits of wisdom from all kind of places. Basically, I created my own, DIY religion with one and the only follower, which is myself. I was once very angry at people for doing nothing and not helping me, when they literally saw me get assaulted right under their noses, like in the middle of the school yard. It wasn't even a one time thing. It happened all the time and people just looked away and said they didn't see anything or they didn't remember (out of shock or is everyone really as evil as I thought as a kid?). Just like Yammie Lam, I felt lost and abandoned, but I was lucky enough to have met some really good people who have helped me get past the very bad times. I really wish she could have pulled herself together, even after all the tragedy and suffering that she had endured in her life, too. I remember seeing her in tv series when I was younger and I admired her looks and good acting skills. The world is robbed from amazing works that she could have starred in.

In an interview, she once talked about having been raped by powerful men in the Hong Kong entertainment industry and that she suffered from mental problems afterwards. Back then, she needed to keep it quiet, as it could ruin her career and nobody would believe and support her, but staying quiet ruined her health and consequently, her career as well. It once again reminds me how important the #metoo movement is and how things must change.

I feel lucky that I found the courage to talk, even if it meant that I became an easy target for people with bad intentions and people who got so scared that they did anything they could to make me say that it was a lie, so that they could sleep peacefully again. It was hard, but the burdens did fell off my shoulders and I felt relieved. I hope more people will speak up and together make the silence and shame after a sexual assault disappear. We can do this!

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