"I deserved to be in pain"

Today, I read an interview of Billie Eilish in the Rolling Stone, in which she shared her struggles in life. Certain parts, "I deserved to be in pain" and "just be nice to yourself", really resonated with me.

When I was a baby, a disgusting, perverted doctor/spiritual healer told my mom that I was possessed by an evil spirit, while I just had nystagmus from birth. Besides the abuse and not keeping the promise of telling my family that I was not possessed if I just let him do whatever and not fight back, my first memories were of my mom strangling me in order to chase the evil spirit away, my mom keeping me away from my siblings in fear of me harming them, and my siblings holding me down, while my mom put me through some sort of physical torture, whenever I got angry or looked suspicious. The thing was that my eyes did look normal - albeit temporarily -, when they did those kinds of weird things to me. There were moments that I really believed that all this was how it is supposed to be and that I deserved this (even same age classmates stayed away from me, they said that I was an evil creep, and even hurt me by doing things like throwing rocks at me to keep me away). Everyone around me were mean to me and they all acted like this is normal. But I couldn't believe it, as my eyes didn't look weird in the mirror (my brain adjusted the movements, so that I could see everything normally). It was like a blessing in disguise, as I started to see that I wasn't crazy, but everyone around me was. They were either brainwashed by the doctor (authoritative figure, who should always be right) or the movies, where psychopaths look creepy and unusual on the outside (while creepy people just blend in like a chameleon in real life). The good thing about it, is that having bad thoughts and doing bad things was practically beaten out of me. The first years of my life, I had to live like a robot (emotionless and no weird movements) to survive. The only thing that kept me alive was hatred. I was determined to take revenge on that lying and deceiving pervert. But when I was old enough to carry large bottles of pee and bags of poop to smear his clinic, my mom didn't remember who he was (was she just forgetful or did she do it intentionally to make sure I don't kill him?). Since years of anger couldn't get released on the guy who deserved it (my family members were innocent, just stupid believers), I can get really angry, whenever I see someone who can't keep their hands off children and women. And now, even men are included, as for a long time, I honestly thought men couldn't or wouldn't get raped.

Every time, I thought my pain would end by moving away, changing schools, not hanging out with certain people, but bad luck just seemed to follow me wherever I went and whatever I did. Just by being there, I made life miserable for my family and friends. I felt like a burden. Someone even said that she felt better without me in class. I have tried to end my suffering many times, but every time, I miraculously survived. So, while I am still alive, I did whatever that makes me happy as nothing that I do is "right" anyway, but still making sure that it was not harming/bothering everyone else. It also made me believe that there is still some kind of important mission for me that I haven't completed yet. I tried to help everyone in need, who crossed my path. But I am still here, I even made it to an age that I couldn't even imagine, when I was young. I became the trustworthy, highly educated adult, who worked at international companies and lived abroad all by herself. Although I couldn't save and get justice for myself, the girl who got horribly abused from 4 to 12 years old, or the baby boy who got taken away (human trafficked, adopted by a childless couple, thrown away on the street, tortured, doing hard labour, killed?), I hope this kind of horror will not happen to someone else from now on.

I have spend my whole life trying to prove that I was not lying and not crazy/imagining things. But the truth is what people want to believe, what is the most convenient, and/or what is the most safe/not scary. It was hard to acknowledge, but maybe my life really was worthless and not worth fighting for in their eyes. A tiny ant in comparison to whatever they felt was more important. Maybe, only when they see it happen to themselves or their loved ones, do they finally believe me, but then, it is already too late. And even then, they would still think everything is my fault.

I have worked hard enough already. I went through continuous pain and pretended nothing was wrong with me, because the doctors said I was fine and everyone else said that nothing happened to me (even though they based it on whatever they saw - were made to see - and knew nothing of what really happened, when they weren't looking). I erased every bad and scary thing that happened to me, just to keep myself alive long enough to get justice, when I finally become trustworthy to others. I postponed dealing with the trauma in the past and the trauma that accumulated from not dealing with it in time, until I couldn't take it anymore. The burnout and the continuous chronic pain and fatigue made me hit the brakes a few years ago. For a long time, I thought I deserved to be in pain, to stay unhappy, as everything was my fault and everyone was suffering because of me. But by talking with people about everything and taking time off to look back at what has happened in the past, I have learned that "shit just happens". Everyone goes through hardships and you just need to row with the boat that you are given. Some people get one with a motor, they go faster, but hit the rocks harder too. Some people row together (more people to divide the hard work, but they need to keep everyone safe and happy) and some alone (lonely, but no need to consider others). Some people get a inflatable boat with more space to rest than a canoe, which does however have less resistance and is more agile.

We all get our share of crap, those who haven't yet, will get it eventually or they already did, but they don't see it themselves or hid it well, so that others don't see it. Some people get an incurable disease when they are just a small child, I got targeted by people who projected all kinds of bad things on me, just because they felt like it, because I looked different, or because they believed the lies about me, even though I did nothing (wrong). The "why me?" question bothered me for a long time. I already knew it was a waste of time to go back and ask the people who hurt me why they needed to do that to me. But I still did it. I was looking for some kind of explanation, so that I could somehow understand the world. I did get a little bit wiser. Humans are irrational. When we feel fear and anger, when we are unhappy, and when we love someone too much, we can do and say things we don't mean. We forget how we hurt others, but we do clearly remember how they hurt us. We forget the times everything went well, but we do clearly remember when things were bad. Everything that strays from the normal routine, rules, and patterns is flattened out by a blunt hammer, until it is normal again. Hurt people conquer their hurt by getting back control and getting out of their vulnerable victim role by being the aggressor instead and taking it out on others. We all look at the world with different glasses, depending on your personality, upbringing, and things that have happened and the people you have met in life. The group you are in determines who is "us" and who is "them". Even though you really want to be friends with someone, someone might not want to be friends with you. You might even be brainwashed and you don't even realize it. The only thing you can do is be open to other thinking than yours. Realize that you are not perfect and not always right. Ask yourself: "What if I did the total opposite?".

In the midst of the chaos called life, not everyone is going to like you. Everyone could hate and harm you. Only one person will always stay by your side and never leave you and that is yourself. That's why I am going to be nice to myself from now on.

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