Create your own space

Today, I happened to watch a video clip from "The bold type" and in it, a girl says that she is so over trying to fit in and that she is never quite right. The other guy tells her that she has to create her own space and claim it as her own. It really left an impression on me, as I have also never felt that there was a place for me in this world. From the day I was born, I was told that I looked creepy, like I was possessed by a demon or a "confused" aka crazy person, just because my eyes move more than normal people. Elderly Chinese people in the neighborhood, who my mom looked for advice, as she is living in a foreign country with nobody to rely on, had told my mom that there was no cure for me, that I must have brain damage, and that she should just leave me on the street (I think this is where my attachment and abandonment issues originated from), as I was going to be a financial and emotional burden for the family. She did try to leave me behind a few times, while a stupid guy, who knows nothing, keeps telling her to not act like a women and be so emotional and just walk away (and yes, I do remember this!). I kept crying and screaming, while I see them getting smaller and smaller, but my mom ran back to get me every time. From then on, I franctically helped out in the household and I did chores that I was capable of doing at the age I was at. I needed to become an indispensable member of the family, who they can't just throw away, and I did everything I could to "earn" their love, while it should be unconditional. It's funny, because when I look back, I remember that I once said that I want to be useful and in a supportive role, when asked about my dreams and ambitions. I also worked really hard to stay top of my class and to make it to university, just to prove that I wasn't retarded like those idiots told my mom that I was, as a baby. It can all be traced back to one of my earliest memories.

I also remember keep trying to fit in and joining the groups of children at the school yard in kindergarten. But they mocked me, stayed away from me, and threw rocks at me, as I looked creepy. My mom kept telling me that I should never stop trying and I never did. I tried to look at it in a positive way. I told myself that they were just playing catch with me and that I should try to catch them all, when they run away from me. Over the years, I tried to play on the playground with friends, visit friend's houses, get invited to their birthday parties, and have sleepovers like normal people, but I never succeeded. Maybe one or two times, but not without getting hurt one way or another in the end or only out of sympathy. It is tough, as I keep wanting to desperately achieve this, but maybe, it just isn't meant to be. Just like getting married and having kids, which was a dream that was taken from me when I was a little kid, and even the fortune teller, who foresaw most of my future events right, told me that I should give up trying that and focus on something else.

I am still figuring out what my space is. Is it something that I am good at? Surviving, supporting people, teaching, taking care of people, acting like a therapist, organizing the household, cooking, being creative, doing the finances...Or is it something that I still need to develop? Speaking, writing, communicating and interacting with people, making ideas into reality, starting a company... I am lucky to be in the position to try things out and find out what gives my life meaning. Whenever I find it, I will make sure to own it.

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