RIP Lisa Montgomery

Yesterday, I received one of the worst day-before-birthday present. Even though I received a glimpse of hope when I heard that the execution was postponed and thought it was a birthday present from heaven, it was swiftly taken away from me. I thought I was used to bad things happening, but the world has disappointed me once again. Normally, this would make me lose hope and bring me one step closer to giving up. But the past few years, I was able to heal in peace and quiet and I got out of the constant harrassment that made me as irritated as being constantly attacked by a bloodthirsty, obnoxiously loud buzzing mosquito in a locked, hot bed room and in a sleep deprived state (what a normal summer day looks like for me). 

I want to share a quote from Virginia Satir: " When I am strong enough inside, you blame me, I feel your pain, you flatter me, I see you need approval, you are crazy, I understand your vulnerability and fear, you interrupt, I know how much you want to be seen. ... All I need is, seeing myself, accept what I can't do, appreciate what I have done. ... " I knew all along that even when people saw bad things happening to me with their own eyes, they wouldn't believe me and stand on my side, but the constant torture and pain made me unable to hold back my outbursts. Only now, when the pain has lessened and after I had the time to heal, can I somewhat understand their side of the story. People, who are hurting, hurt other people. I am not saying that killing someone is okay, (if she had the skills to take the baby without killing the mother, I think she would have let her live), but her life was already tragic as it is. I don't understand how we couldn't let her get the mental help she deserves and let her live the rest of her life peacefully (she never had one day of happiness). It is not like anybody has gone after all the people who have abused her and made her this way. It feels bad that I couldn't save her, but I will focus on what I did (I wrote a blog post and I also brought awareness to it on Facebook and in the comments) and what I can do. I will try to update the previous blog post about her with every snippet of her life that I can find and what we can do as a society to prevent such a tragedy from happening again. 

I remember that when I was a child, I cried so much that my eyes looked red, which was scary looking together with my nystagmus. My classmates bullied me for looking like a creep and stayed away from me, while I needed kindness and being comforted the most. It was so bad that the tears actually burn my skin. One day, when I was feeling really down, a rain fell down on me on my way home from school. It was very cold and the rain felt like needles pricking on my cheeks. I looked up and saw everyone around me running to find cover and making their way home as fast as possible. My body and mind were so heavy and exhausted from the daily battles that I couldn't find the strength in me to run anymore. I walked as slow as I could, maybe a part of me was hoping to get pneumonia and die from it. A male classmate actually walked up to me, still under the assumption that I am retarted based on my appearance and odd, trauma induced behavior, and told me if I knew I should run in this kind of situation. I remember I just laughed out loud and walked on in the same way as before. It was another reminder that no matter how hard I work and no matter what I say, nobody will see things from my perspective and they will never use their brain and think for themselves, only act on bias, stereotype, rumors, hear-say, impulse, emotions, not look past the surface, and copy whatever someone else is doing. I started crying and strange enough, the tears that once used to burn the sensitive skin on my cheeks (maybe due the salt in tears and roughly rubbing the tears off), felt warm. This quote from a Taiwanese female writer, Sanmao (三毛) comes to mind, 你曾經不被人所愛，你才會珍惜將來那個愛你的人。Translation: "Because you were never loved by someone before, you will cherish the person who will love you in the future." I considered tears as something very painful, but when I was in the worst situation, they were a form of warmth and comfort. I even view the warm breeze that I feel through my hair when I walk outside after winter has ended, as a warm embrace by mother nature, telling me to cheer up. It is similar to when you have experienced the darkness and pain, the light seem to shine the brightest. Only after the rain, can you see the rainbow. Okay, I will stop with the cliche sayings. 

I comfort myself with the idea that all my sufferings is so that the next girl in a similar situation will have to go through less hardships than me. For that, I need to create change and be a better person. I actually told myself that the kinder I am, the worse they will suffer from karma or more likely they will go to the good side. No matter what, it is a win-win situation. I feel more comfortable in a kind role than being absorbed by anger and hatred.