Bento box ideas #0

Around early last year, I was thinking of creating a new blog series about bento box ideas. I got a cute pink food box with three compartments to help me eat more veggies and proportionately less carbs and meat. It would have been a good idea to post it regularly last year, when everybody was having almost all three meals at home and must have ran out of ideas very quickly. 

But the forced stop to my hectic life has given me the time to face the bad memories that I did my utmost best to run away from by working myself almost to death on school work and continuous self improvement (I was never good or perfect enough). The realization that I wasn't the only one going through such hardships didn't make me less sad, but a lot less alone. From everybody's reaction (she must be lying, she must have a rich imagination, she must be confused, etc.), I really thought that it happened to nobody but me. It felt unfair that I didn't get one day of happiness, while I deserved it and I didn't do anything wrong. I kept erasing every memory of each day, because there was no other way for me to survive. I didn't want to hold a grudge and become bitter. I didn't want to remember the horrible things that I had no way of escaping. I didn't want to blame the people, who didn't help me, because they were too scared or too selfish to put themselves in danger for my sake, or maybe, too psychologically shocked into extreme denial and unconscious hate towards me, because caring about me would hurt. All the hate and torture made me get a very low self esteem, making me unable to love myself and fight for happiness hard enough. I was actually really envious of the people who were so greedy to stay alive that they would steal the valuables on my almost lifeless body. From the day that I was born, I was given the message of "Why even bother trying hard, it is all useless". I told myself that I would do my best every day as long as I am alive, but it was hard work. I think the Cantonese quote "auntie, I no longer want to work hard" originated from me. Many years ago, it was hot in Hong Kong, my whole body was extremely fatigued and aching, and I continuously keep getting hurt by people, while everyone said that it was just me imagining things. I was all alone in this battle and I didn't even have a carrot hanging in front of me to keep me going in this race. It is funny how that quote is now used by young boys trying to find a sugar mommy. 

The first thing I wanted to improve was my love-hate relationship with food. Some days, I found comfort in trying new recipes and tasting good food. Other days, I wanted to give up and fasted solely on water. I think you might have noticed that my beauty blog is more of a food blog lately. I shared a lot of recipes from those bad days in the past and I want to try a lot of new ones too. I still remember me as a kid getting crazy at the local library to let them purchase the newly released cook book that I wanted. I borrowed the maximum amount of books, so that I could read at least one every day. I would have something to do to distract myself and to stay up all night. If I was born in this day and age, I think I would have been less bored. Back then, I only had my books and TV. I felt like I couldn't find everything I wanted. I couldn't get the answers to my questions. But nowadays, you get a whole lot of answers and you need to filter it and actively use your brains to find the right answer and not only the one that matches your expectations and views. The local library has become a worldwide Internet community. Although I am only a small part of it, I hope I can cheer some people up with food (and food for thought). 

For this blog series, I took some effort in making different kinds of dishes and plating them nicely. It might not look that way in the earliest pictures from a year or more ago, but it gradually improved. By doing this, I went an extra mile to treat myself better, to look after myself better. Because I deserve it.  

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