RIP Sulli and Goo Hara

I know I announced that I would be back to regular blog posts, but I have been going through some hard times. I am more and more convinced that I could have some form of DID due to early childhood trauma (often weird episodes of memory loss and mainly forgetting about painful and scary moments) after reading about Jennifer Haynes and after piecing memories together that were slowly released bit by bit, after surpressing them my whole life, until I became old and strong enough to face and handle them.

I am not sure how it works, but I have been able to function quite well somehow, minus the not trusting anyone and being angry at the whole world for not protecting me when I was not able to do so myself and also hurting and attacking me instead or just not doing anything at all. I also did whatever I could to stay sane and alive long enough for me to get justice and rescue the baby boy that was taken when I was 12 years old, unable to even protect myself let alone another human being and too tired and damaged from the continuous daily battles against bullies and psycho stalkers. Even back then, I already knew that I had zero chance of getting justice, but I needed to do this, because I owed it to that innocent, small angel that made me feel that I was no longer alone and he gave my life meaning and a purpose. If I disappeared from this world, he would too. Nobody would remember and search for him. I needed to become stronger, become smarter, continuously improve until I could be someone he can be proud of and important enough for this world to care and give justice to. As a kid, I dreamed of putting a stop to the bad guys, earning a lot of money so that I could buy a small island, where only me and the little baby would live. A paradise on earth, where nobody could hurt us.

Now that I am older, I realize how dumb that was. After all those years, I mentally and physically (I ate a lot more than normal, as I always feel weak and tired) prepared myself for this battle, but they didn't even let me enter the arena. It was supposed to be my final mission, last long term project, but somehow I am still here. I underwent years of abuse by the bullies that know me since kindergarten and I was okay with that, as long as I never lost track of them and forget them, as they are important witnesses. They have stored all the scary things that happened to me during my childhood in their brains. I understand that the hate and anger towards me is just some form of self protection. The scary things could also happen to them and their loved ones, so they somehow blame me for it, that it is because I am evil and stupid, that's why bad things happen to me. It will never happen to them, because they are unlike me. My existence was like a sore pimple, continuously giving them a bad feeling, so they tried to bully me away or to death. Out of sight, out of mind. Also, if they like and care about me, the realization that everything I said was real would hurt them to the core. They would remember those nasty things they did to me that I mirrored just so that they realize how much it hurts. Their brains conveniently erased those and only kept the images of me doing that to them to keep their good self image intact, but they will return one day. Maybe, when their child gets hurt, when they get bullied themselves in the retirement home, on their deathbed, when all the memories pass by like in a film, or when they become woke and finally see through the mask, understanding the workings of the brain. People who do good 99% of the time can get away with doing evil things 1% of the time, as the brain cannot process this, it overloads. Unconsciously, you refuse to believe it and want to think it is a misunderstanding, a fluke, an exception. You desperately want to hold on to the belief that good people are 100% good and bad people 100% bad, which makes life easier to understand, but you are unintentionally siding with the bad guys, defending them, protecting them, silencing the victims for them, and letting them keep hurting people. I am pretty sure that the brains of the witnesses have changed the memories not in my favor to protect them and no positive change will happen from it, but a girl can always dream.

Not too long ago, I discovered that a boy that I knew from kindergarten has become a PE teacher, keeping the promise that he would keep an eye on the kids in that school and teaching them self defense. I also saw that the principal has kept her promise of treating kids to ice cream on their last days at school. It made me feel less angry, as the bad things that happened to me, resulted to good things happening to others. 

After hearing about the deaths of Sulli from the K-pop girl group f(x) and Goo Hara from the girl group Kara, I somewhat understood why people don't want to report about suicides. It didn't really bother me before, as I kind of saw them as heroes since they succeeded in something I failed at many times. But something has changed, as I felt I just lost two fellow warriors, who tried hard to live on, even when life kept knocking them down. After only living for the sake of others, I want to try living for myself. From the day I was born, I never understood why people want to be alive. Because of nystagmus and parents who didn't know how to be parents, I was already 10-0 behind compared to others. I never understood why I had to go through so much pain and rejection, but maybe it is to make me so angry that I would speak up when something similar happens to others. I am not their biggest fan nor do I know all their songs and works, but when I saw Sulli suffering and slipping away, I reached out by following her on Instagram not too long before her death. While I was still figuring out what to say to make her feel better and translate that to Korean, it was already too late.

I wanted to tell her that I am a no-bra girl too. I don't know about others, but because of my sensitive skin and always sore body, it causes excrusiating pain to wear a normal bra. Whenever I don't have to, I tend to not wear it. I got all kinds of weird looks and comments too, but I didn't see the problem and comfort was more important. Nothing is wrong about that. A nipslip is no big deal either.

I also suffered from social anxiety and had panic attacks and hyperventilated. The reaction of the surrounding people made me feel like it is the first time that they saw this and that I was the only one suffering from this. They kept saying that I was making this up for attention, exaggerating, and creeping them out. It got better now. Everything gets better one day. Even if you cannot imagine it, just keep trying, just so that you can prove me wrong and yell at me, when you are grey and old.
I also tried to protect myself, but nobody would see and hear me. I don't know if it is because we are all selfish. But we tend to ignore other people's pain and suffering. We are too preoccupied with our own pain and issues. We don't know what it is like to be you, how hard it is and what you go through. When you talk about bad things, the brains tends to block and filter most things. Ask a married man with a nagging wife. :) I survived by keep finding new ways to block the attacks, talking about not so scary and heavy things that do go through the filter, and to keep myself being surrounded by good people. Only when you are away from danger and after processing everything that happened (they say a breakup hurts half the time you were together, so continuous torture and stress should have to take half or more too to recover), can you see clearly. So until then, don't make any drastic decisions.

One of Sulli's last words were that she wanted to be someone who brings warmth to others. Even after all the hate and feeling let down by people, even close ones, she still wanted to do things for others. She played a character with DID in her debut solo single MV. She spoke up about mental health, women's rights, body and period shame, and bullying and rumors. I hope this dream of hers can continue to live on. I heard that in her name, they are trying to do something against cyberbullying.

Goo Hara suffered from domestic abuse and revenge porn. Even she reached out to others, when she saw that people went through the same things in the news.

The common theme is the ignorance that hurts people, even if they didn't intend to. Try to understand that you don't know everything and you have a limited view on things. Your words and actions can have bigger consequences than you think. Be more understanding and kind. Pay it forward and one day, the kindness will return to you.

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