Back from summer break

Since I decided to be nice to myself (as you could have read over here), I am taking regular breaks from work and obligations, whenever I feel too exhausted and my body is not functioning as it should. For a long time, I was a workaholic and exercise fanatic, just so that I don't have to think about the past and feel the pain. The moments when I stood still and let my thoughts wander were the hardest to go through, but I exhausted myself so much every day that my body just shuts down on its own by the end of the day. Ever since I decided to face my fears and confront the things that I was running away from, life has been hard, but I feel that I am somehow healing bit by bit. I thought it was hopeless to tackle all the horrible things that happened to me and the enormous damage that was done, but after surviving the initial wave that almost drowned me, it has gotten a bit easier.

The long break wasn't planned, as things just happened that way. First, my external harddisk with many pictures and videos stored in them crashed and it took a few weeks to get it examined. They told me that I have to pay almost a 1000 euro to get the data out and onto a new harddisk. It is a lot more than I expected and I am not sure it is worth that much money. Although it contains hours of work and the pictures of my recent vacations, I think I will keep it for later (when I think 1000 euro is just pocket change :) ). I have searched through my laptop and tablet, dug up some older SD cards, and asked the people who went with me on vacation, if they still have the pictures. Luckily, I was able to get a part of it back (especially, the video clips of my late grandma, the last time I saw her). But I will need to do a lot of re-shooting, so it will take me some time to get back on schedule.

Losing the precious data has made me think about a lot of things. Is it a sign from higher up for me to cherish my family and friends? To make sure I make a lot of memories with them and store the pictures and videos in a safe place? To not take things for granted, that everything can be taken from you, when you least expect it? Or is it that I should stop blogging and use that time to do something else? My blog has been my creative outlet. A way for me to experiment with makeup and fashion, a part of adolescence that I surpressed, just so that my bullies and stalkers could not accuse me of seducing men, but they still did anyway (Why did I even bother?). It was also something that kept me occupied and a fun way to pass time, while I was recovering. When I look at the older posts, I have noticeably become better at writing, taking pictures, and making videos. I am still nowhere near the real professionals, but the journey of improving bit by bit has been an enjoyable one. Most of the pictures that I have taken are also stored here and it is nice to have this as a backup. I also met nice people with similar interests through my blog. Although I have been absent a lot, many people still silently support me by reading my blog posts and liking the things I do.

Last month, my mom also went to Hong Kong and China for some time. It was planned half a year ago, since a date was picked to bury my grandfather and grandmother together (I hope they can be a lovey, dovey couple in next life too). My mom has always been more of a child than I ever was. I basically raised her, instead of the other way around. Even without the violent demonstrations that are currently happening in Hong Kong, I was worried that she wouldn't be able to find her way around places. So, I stayed awake until deep in the night to act like a siri. I am a night owl anyway, so it wasn't that bad. However, the nights were a bit cold wearing a thin t-shirt, which would otherwise be fine to wear during the day. So, I got a bit sickly from that. 

I recoved by having a lot of rice porridge, which I will share the recipe of soon, and by snacking the souvenirs that she brought back.

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